Finding Closure Without Attending the Funeral

I found this article when I was doing some research and I wanted to share it because I thought that it is very appropriate for the group of people that we serve! I hope you enjoy reading it! I DID NOT WRITE THIS!

Finding Closure Without Attending the Funeral

·        Posted by Florence Isaacs on August 15, 2011 at 4:00pm

·        View Blog

Q. I’ve been told not to attend my aunt’s funeral, due to a longstanding feud with my side of the family. I had nothing to do with it, and my aunt was always very kind to me. I’m very upset that I can’t say goodbye to her at the funeral home. Should I attend anyway and just sit in the back? Can they keep me out?

A. A funeral is a way to honor the deceased and grieve in the company of family members and friends. It’s a healing experience and an opportunity for forgiveness, although the latter is sometimes in short supply. The fact that everyone involved is grieving can get lost. Yet there is more than one way to say goodbye to your aunt and find closure.

You can call the funeral home to ask whether you can sit in a separate room where you can hear the service. Or you may be able to arrive early for a viewing, before everyone else shows up. It may be possible to watch the funeral online. 

Another option is to say prayers (or sit silently with your thoughts) at your own or a friend’s place of worship. You may even be able to say prayers at the same time the funeral is being held elsewhere. Call the office in advance if you want to talk to a clergyman, as well, or have someone pray with you. 

  

No, these alternatives are not ideal. But they can help you find a measure of peace. They are also options for anyone who has not been banned, but fears his/her presence may upset the family. A simple funeral can become very complicated in this era of blended and reblended families.

As for whether the family can keep you out, that depends on whether they notice you sitting in the back and/or whether they’ve asked the funeral home to restrict admittance. “The family is technically renting a building at the funeral home, and yes they can dictate who can and can’t come to the service,” says Ellen Wynn McBrayer, CFSP, CPC, a spokesperson for the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). In certain cases, the family fears that someone is unpredictable and will make a scene or otherwise disrupt the service. It happens. The police have been called to some funerals to escort a person off the premises.

If you have a question for Florence, please email her atfisaacs@florenceisaacs.com.

Florence Isaacs is the author of several books on etiquette, including My Deepest Sympathies: Meaningful Sentiments for Condolence Notes a.... She writes two advice blogs for Legacy.com: Sincere Condolences and Widow in the World, a new blog for bereaved spouses and partners.

Stories of Others Regarding White Tanks Cemetery

Along my journey, there are so many people who have read my story and have reached out to me, to help. Some of them go there to visit for me, some offer words of comfort about White Tanks and some share their own personal story with me. I would like this page to include some of these interactions with others!

Hi

My name is Anonymous, I am in PA and found your blog,  i am going thru the same thing you are with AZ. 

No one in my family had heard from my father in over a year, now this was not unusual for him, yet for some reason i decided in January to google his name. Well, a blurb in the Phoenix Republic newspaper came up. It was from the Harper funeral home and dated Oct 1, 07, it stated that my father had died 7/28/07 and if anyone had info to call them. I was in shock for a few days to say the least.

I called them and found out that he was buried in White Tanks Cemetary on Nov 1, 07, they thought he was indigent. Well that just isn't true. They kept him at the funeral home for 3 months, yet it seems to me they didn't try hard to find a relative, maybe it is not their job, i don't know.

I then contacted the fidiciary office, they were nice and did confirm he was in White Tanks. They never made an attempt to find any family.  They had his Social Security number and i know that those records list parents names. On his death certificate his parents are listed as unknown, there are a lot of unknowns on his death certificate. They also knew he had a bank account but would not give me any further information.

He also passed in Banner Good Samaritan hospital, they will not give me any info. You seem to have had better luck with them than me.

It seems your search has just begun and you probably haven't been able to obtain a death certificate yet. I had to prove to AZ that i was his daughter with my certified birth certificate. AZ seems to protect it's citizens even after their death. I must warn you that my father was not embalmed, maybe the funeral home was just cutting expenses. I suspect the same will be true of your mother.

I could go on and on, but won't, there are too many details to this puzzle. I am sure you are running through the gammet of emotions just as i did. A day does not go by that i don't think on this matter.  I am going to follow your blog faithfully and wish you the best of luck in your endeavor to change the way things are done and getting your mother home.

 Anonymous

Dear Miranda,

I am writing about article I found on the internet. 

Not sure if you still want contacts concerning White Tanks cemetery. If you are, please contact me at this  e-mail address, we are presently going thru something similar to what happened with your mom.                Anonymous

Dear Miranda,

First, please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your mother.  I came across your post on the city-data.com forum about your mother and read your blog about White Tanks.  I live in Phoenix and I had no idea that White Tanks existed and I am appalled.  Is there anything I can do to help you?

In your discussions with the City of Phoenix, did you get any information from them about landscaping and how the appearance of the “cemetery” might be changed?  I’m asking because I’m trying to figure out if there is anything I can do locally to change the way the cemetery looks.  I know this won’t change what happened with your situation and the fact that the city didn’t do their job by looking for the next of kin, but if I can change the appearance of the cemetery then it would be a slightly better place.  Let me know what you found out and I’ll take it from there.

Sincerely,

MacKenzie

Scott Craven, Reporter with the Arizona Republic says,

"Miranda, I do understand your feelings about your mother being buried in White Tanks. But I wanted to share briefly my experiences out there when watching several burials.

Each Thursday, when burials take place, volunteer chaplains arrive to say a few words over each of the departed. There are prayers, sometimes hymns, and flowers are placed on each casket. The chain gangs I saw were respectful, and many of the inmates volunteered to read a prayer or two as the bodies were slowly lowered into the graves. The chaplains have volunteered out there since around 1992.  Not sure when the story is running, but we are aiming for mid-November. I will keep in touch.

Scott

FREE Assistance for family members of those buried at White Tanks Cemetery

Assistance Offered For Those Needing Information Etc… to Find Closure

Chances are that if you have found this page and this blog, you are probably searching for some answers and assistance to obtain information to help you understand how your loved one ended up at White Tanks Cemetery in Arizona. Let me first tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  I have been contacted by more than 30 people who have also been disappointed to find that their loved ones passed and were buried at White Tanks without anyone contacting them to give notification.  It is even harder for those of us seeking information to understand how a COUNTY AGENCY is involved in burying these people without the family ever being contacted.  I wish that I could provide you with a solid answer that provides comfort to you and your family, however I just can’t.  I have asked this very question of the Maricopa County Public Fiduciary more than once and I have been unable to acquire a satisfactory answer.  But please know that I have no intention of accepting these unsatisfactory responses from them.  I intend to keep pushing and raising awareness to the situation until I am able to find answers for these families to provide them with closure.  The only way to redeem a negative situation is to create a positive one from what has happened. I intend to make both my mother’s life as a drifter and her death meaningful by making changes to help others.  My mother was the kind of person who cared greatly for others. She had a lot of compassion for other people and would do anything she could to help others.  So I will honor her and celebrate her life by doing what I feel that she would want me to do with this situation.  I also believe that the Lord gives us each situation in our life to build character and give opportunity for our souls to grow and make a difference.  GOD IS LOVE! And he desires for each of us to treat each other with the same love that we do our family.

For those of you who are seeking assistance with your situation, I will use my experience and knowledge to assist you in finding out whatever information you need. The following is the questionnaire that I ask you to complete that gives me the information that I need to help you.  We can usually find out where the person died, how the person died, what funeral home handled the death, what information existed for the person at death, when the person died, exactly where the person is buried at White Tanks, completing the paperwork needed to request the death certificate, paperwork needed to amendment an inaccurate death certificate, paperwork to change the identity information for your loved one so that the proper information is on file regarding their identity (making them a SOMEONE—not a “NO ONE”) in the eyes of others (such as public agencies that process them like pieces of paper/throw aways instead of loved & appreciated family members. Also, some of these questions also provide me with information that will assist me in making the changes necessary to stop this injustice from reoccurring in future years.

1.    Your name, contact information including NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER. (Obviously this is for me to provide you with any received documents, keeping in touch with updates on your case, etc…)

2.    A summary of your life/situation regarding your family member at White Tanks. We are not here to judge you or anyone else. We recognize and realize that bad situations happen, mistakes are made in life, etc… and unfortunately unresolved issues end up like this. Just be honest and tell me how you feel you ended up in this situation. Have you been searching for this person in previous years? Exactly how did you find out that they were deceased? Who notified you of the situation? Did you call and speak with anyone? What agencies, dates and names of who you spoke with.  I need to know if you have attempted anything regarding this situation. I realize many people do not even know where to start with something like this, which is exactly why we provide these services for the families.

3.    Provide any specific death information that you have: Date of death, place of death, etc…

4.    Do you have any information about their prior place of residence when they died?

5.    Have you been to the grave of your loved one? Do you have any desire to do so?

6.    Please give me a summary of your goals for assistance. Tell us in detail what we can do to provide closure for you and your family. Examples of goals: get all information pertaining to their passing, have the ability to place a headstone or other personal marker at their grave site, have their remains disinterred (dug up), processed and mailed to you for processing (urn etc), have a funeral or memorial service for them, have pictures of their grave site and have someone visit and care for your loved ones plot. Tell me what you need or would like to see happen in order for you to feel that you would get closure.  I need to know exactly what we need to do in order to help you out. I will do whatever I can. No goal is too large, don't disregard anything-- tell me exactly what you would like ex. having her moved to closer to you, a headstone allowed, etc...

7.    Do we have permission to use your story and share your story in an effort to support our cause and raise awareness to the seriousness of the issues regarding our loved ones ending up at White Tanks? You have the opportunity to share your information but remain anonymous, if that is what you would prefer—please let us know and we will be sure to delete names from your specific case write up.  It does really help us to be able to share specific details about cases, so if we can do that without being anonymous, it is greatly appreciated however, we do know that some family matters and situations should remain private and confidential.

I look forward to hearing from you and working with you so that I can help you out!

Love and Blessings to you!

Miranda

Find-A-Grave Helps Us to Find Those With Next of Kin in White Tanks

Today while searching google for White Tanks Cemetery, I came across the White Tanks Cemetery Find A Grave page.  Click Here to Visit the Find A Grave Page for White Tanks Cemetery.

I was impressed at the amount of information that is provided by the website. They are still working on adding people, but there are quite a few on there so far.  I can’t help wondering, while I am scrolling through all of the names, how many of these people have family that are searching for them.  Then it dawned on me, a new phase of my project for White Tanks Angels Foundation could be to search and google these names to see if I can find any information for the names listed on the site.  I know that there are still families out there who have loved ones who are Missing Adults. I am guessing that some of those buried at White Tanks are probably estranged from their families or missing from someone’s life.

The website gives note to which of the grave markers have flowers on them.  That’s nice because it gives me an idea of which ones are tended to and which ones are not! It also has a place where you can volunteer to take photos of the markers and upload them to the find-a-grave site.  Find a grave is a volunteer based project and they allow others to take photos and submit them with the person’s information to their site. I would love to be able to do that, if only I could be in Arizona.  If any of my friends down there in AZ, who already take photos at White Tanks, are interested in participating in this project to help get all of the interments listed on the Find-a-grave site, please let me know!  Obviously, my suggestion would be to start with the graves that we are already caring for…  Start with the ones that you already visit and then maybe move on to others.

I am going to be spending some time trying to reach out to the families of those buried at White Tanks and see if there are any others that we might be able to assist. I know there are so many with broken hearts just like ours.  And just because I am fortunate enough to be able to bring my mother home and remove her from that place, does not mean that I no longer have interest in the White Tanks project. I really feel strongly that some things need to be changed in order to prevent others from ending up in the same place that we have with our loved ones.

I would love to hear you guy’s thoughts on this… And anyone interesting in helping me do some searching for the names and next of kin or taking pictures of the grave markers, please send me an email at cleaning44870@gmail.com or send me a message on FB.

God Bless!

Son, David Nebel, Searches for Father- Only to Find Him at White Tanks Cemetery (yet another broken heart)

I received a comment on the blog and a message via e-mail with a new story about someone else buried at White Tanks. I wanted to share this story with all of you because it sounds like he is experiencing many of the emotions that the rest of us have also experienced. It is my hopes that we might be able to offer him some words of comfort and encouragement. It breaks my heart every time that I read another story about a loved one who has been searched for-- being found DECEASED and buried at WHITE TANKS. It is like I remember the heart break that I felt when I found out- and I relive it over and over again each time I hear someone else describe their feelings upon finding out.

Here is a short snip-it of David's story:

My father was buried in lot 7. His name was/is David, I am David jr. I spent alot of time as a child wondering where my biological father could be. My only encounter with him was living in San Diego and him approaching me in a red cutlass. I remember it like it happened yesterday...I ran because i had no idea who he was. Year's later i found my biological side of the family and when i did my mother finally told me where he had been laid to rest in 08. It came as a large shock! He was gone. All of the pursuit to find him, all of the agony and disappointments (and i will admit a taste for wanting to punch him a good one for being an addict free-spirit). 

There is such a large story to tell...so many fact's that my grandmother has given to me...almost being sold into mexico because of him. I inherited many of his demon's... but, I am also at peace that he is at peace.

Another Mother (Lost Touch With their Daughter) and Ended Up at White Tanks

Due to the fact that I have not been given permission to release the information contained in this story, I am calling this woman Jane Doe and I have taken out all private information regarding her loved one. But it is so important for me to publish and show all of the many many people who come forward regarding their loved ones being at White Tanks.

Original Message from Jane Doe:  hi Miranda, I have not taken any steps to even find out for certain that my mother is buried at white tanks so.... I guess I am just putting it off and know it needs to get started. need a push I guess ?Miranda Answer:  Would you like to give me her info and I can call and check for you. Let me help you. I was paralyzed too from all the disappointments and emotional distress.

Reply message from Jane Doe: That would be wonderful. Her name is: Margie. Born Oct XX, 19XX. She was buried at white tanks Jan 10, 2010. I would like to confirm that it is her there in that grave, as all I have is the pic of her metal grave disk with her name and date of death on it. I don't know how she died, when exactly or why she is buried there. All of her mental and medical records had me listed as next of kin (even though I hadn't talked to her in several years). I don't know how much you could find out, but I would appreciate any info. I was not close with my mother but this has left a hurt in my heart and it may just be that I need the answers ???  You're so good for doing what you do. I will definitely check out ur updates in the next couple of days.

Miranda reply:  That's right... now I am remembering when you originally wrote me and told me your story. Your situation is so similar to mine! Sounds exactly like me and my mom. My mom abandoned me, due to multiple personality disorder and alcoholism, when I was 13 years old. I spent years looking for her. Posting on the internet, calling around, etc... but had not successfully been in contact with her for several years.

Then in 2009, a Private Investigator took on my case for FREE, as a favor from a newly established friend in the Missing Adults network Peace4TheMissing. He went and talked to some people that I had given him information on. See, I broke some laws in a desperate attempt to get information about where my mother was (that is not something I would normally do-- but I really was so absolutely desperate to find her- for her own well being because I was told by the court system that they had her listed as transient (homeless). 

So what I did was hacked into her Credit Report and found that there was a medical collection bill there for critical care received March 2007.  They said that her Mercy Care Plan (insurance) expired February 28, 2007.  I pretended like I was her and called the collection company...  I had them verify for me what the last known addresses were on file because I had not received a bill. They gave me the address which led me to the Westward Ho (where I then sent the private investigator).  After calling the medical examiner's office, I found out that my mother actually had passed away on March 1, 2007. Her friend at the Westward Ho, had received a call from a nurse at Desert Samaritan Hospital-- and was told that my mother was terminal and only had a couple more days to live.

So, I know that the medical records had the correct Social Security number on it for them to have ended up on her credit report.  But when they buried my mother, some how, the funeral home or fiduciary office said that they received no information for social security number from the hospital death records.  They said they only had a date of birth which was listed as 07/18/1955. And somehow, they found a social security number for her, which I do NOT understand-- because it is TOTALLY wrong. And that birth date that they had was a year off- but the correct day and month.So, when I tried to apply for her death certificate, I put her correct date of birth and social security number on there-- and the vital stats office denied me the birth certificate saying that their information and mine didn't match!

So, now the problem that I have is that technically speaking, my mother's social security number still says she is ALIVE! And she has never been registered as deceased. I don't even know how to begin to fix any of that. And I need to apply for her death certificate with the wrong information so that I can at least retrieve it-- because, like you, I have no idea what she died from, although I know where she died. Now that her body is being disinterred and sent home to me, I just need to straighten out the paperwork issues associated with her passing. I need to obtain her death certificate, then apply to have her death certificate changed and then talk to the Social Security Administration to find out how to report her REAL Ohio SS number as deceased.

I am fully aware that not having answers definitely leaves an open wound in your heart and soul. It is like a dark cloud that looms over you, casting a shadow on everything you do in life. I believe that the situation with my mother is much of what has cause my Fibromyalgia and other related medical conditions. I can tell you that getting even SOME of those answers makes it a little easier to cope with a loved one's passing.  So, because I know exactly how you are feeling- I would love to be able to help in providing you with some closure. I will do what I can to try and get you some of those answers. I will make some phone calls either today or Monday.

Love,Miranda

Forms for the Disinterment and Cremation to be sent to me...

My Mother is FINALLY Coming Home! After 18 years, she returns to me...

Today I received the package of papers in the mail that is required to put together a disinterment.  I did not do this, Jeff Knapp did it for me. I had tried to start it numerous times, but even the smallest obstacle that I hit made me devastated-- so I just QUIT! I couldn't do it anymore. I could not emotionally stand to face one more disappointment in regards to my mother or her death. So Jeff, being the angel that he is, picked up the torch for me and carried it... He gathered all the paperwork, made all the phone calls and then packaged everything up and sent it to me.  He ALSO PAID for it IN FULL!  The total process from beginning to finish (being my mother's ashes arriving to my house in the mail) costs a little over $3,100.  I fully intend to speak with Jeff in the coming weeks to get an exact idea of the process that he went through to do this, that way when others come to me asking for help-- I know where to point them.  But for now at least, I can put up pictures of the forms that I have to sign and notarize to have my mother shipped home to me. (See my next blog post for the form pictures)

I have waited to have my mom back home with me since I was 13 years old. I have searched for her... and in finding out about her death and burial at White Tanks, I was devastated, because I felt that I would NEVER get the closure that I need to move on with my life.  I thought she would never be home with me. She would always be stuck there in that barren desert... miles and miles away from me. I would never be able to visit her or go to her resting place to talk with her.  And today, Jeff has made all of that a REALITY for me. Upon receiving the letter and package of papers today, I cried hysterically and uncontrollably for approximately 2 hours. It was as if someone just busted down the damn wall that I had built up over the last five years. All of the tears that I had held in about this... just let loose and there was no stopping it.  

Today is the first day of the rest of my life!  I was dragging my feet on doing stuff for the White Tanks Angels Foundation and helping others in their journeys because I was both physically and emotionally shut down from all the repeated disappointments and devastation.  But today, Jeff has delivered a gift to all of us... he has provided for me what is needed to gain closure and he has given me motivation to see through all of the similar stories stories that I have been presented with.  He has allowed me to see light and hope in all of this and now I can pass that along to others. Before, I was dark and gloomy and had nothing to offer to anyone really.  

I hope that my story will be an inspiration to all of you with loved ones at White Tanks. It is my great hope to begin some fund raising so that I might be able to start giving the much needed closure to others in the same situation as me!  If you are interested in assisting with getting the Foundation up off the ground and on its way to success, please let me know! Any and all assistance will be embraced fully! I am only one person and I can't do it all, although sometimes I think I can ;)
God Bless to All

Chloe, A Daughter Desperate to Bring Her Father Home

Hi Miranda, my name is Chloe and I have been searching for something, anything really on this topic and couldn't find a thing until I came across your blog post. 

My situation is so confusing and I don't mean to bother you. I don't know if you will read this or even respond but if you don't I understand.

My dad passed away a few weeks ago and because of the strange place he was found they took him to the medical examiner, they had to get him finger printed to find out who he was, when they notified me my cousin went and identified him and they said they had to move him to a funeral home because they couldn't keep him there any longer. I then called my funeral home, paid and made arrangements for the funeral for him to be buried next to my grandma and grandpa. I called the funeral home they transferred him to and told them I was his daughter and that I was going to have him transferred. -- The day he was supposed to be transferred I called them and they told me in a very rude way that they buried him that morning at WhiteTanks Cemetery.

It wasn't even 2 days after I had spoke with them. They told me no one had contacted them and there was no next of kin. Then they proceeded to tell me about their "extensive" search for next of kin (I don't know how you can do an extensive search in 48 hours)... but I had talked to them!

Now I have to get a permit to move him to where he belongs and I cant even have a proper funeral or viewing. Its hard enough losing someone you love, but having someone be so heartless and rude-- while telling you they threw him in a box and got rid of him like nothing really hurt me. 

I have no idea what to do and am just looking for anyone to help or give me some kind of advice. Like I said I wont blame you if you don't reply or read this at all. It is just a shot in the dark and I am desperate. Thank you for your time if you do read this. 

Chloe